Abed Hamdan

Something I’ve been trying to write but never managed to finish… It’s the silent emptiness of despair that’s filling my universe. I live in denial, I act normally most of the time, eventhough I deeply know that nothing is even close to normal, and normal is a very relative term. It could be normal, but it’s not. Something isn’t right and I know it. I’ve tried to run away, to evade, to disappear, to vanish, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I am more convinced than ever that I can change many, many things, but I can’t change myself. I can’t pretend, I can’t evade, and I can’t change what I am.

This could be depression, a very severe and advanced state of sadness, so deep that it blackened my surroundings and narrowed my universe to the point of chocking me to death. Not exactly death, but to a rather long term torture where I can’t even beg for death because I’m scared it could be worse. It could really be worse.

I can’t put an end to all this, because I am strained, but neither can I silently watch. I tried to escape and “live my life” only to come back more messed up than before. I see them every single night in my dreams, they’re alive, and their eyes are distant, expressionless. They lost interest in life, death, and the promised heaven after death. I can’t hide, not in a nightmare where I am the center of attention. I can’t hide from their inevitable reproachful starring eyes, but only it’s much more intimidating than that. It’s a hopeless look without the faintest trace of interest. Truth I’ve been trying to escape my entire life. It creeps, and it fills me with unbearable sadness and pain. It’s living in my subconscious, nurtured by my desperate impotence, by my fear. Fear is the right word. It’s the painful word I’ve been looking for all this time.

There’s no end to this, I am sentenced to this. I can’t change that. It’s either the suffocating endless hours of conscience pain, or the hollow emptiness agony of denial. Either fear of the aftermath of denial, or fear of the painful reality of any reckless desperate reaction. Either way, it’s a constant self-loathing state of disgust.

صارلي فترة منغلق على نفسي شوية ..وأصبحت متقلب المزاج بطريقة لم يعتد عليها أحد من أصدقائي

سريع الانفعال…وفقدت كل قدراتي الدبلوماسية في كل مجالات حياتي

يعني بطلت أسكت على أصغر الأمور..وحاسس إني مش مطالب إني أسكت ولا أتحمل حماقات أحد, ومش مجبور أحمل أو أبرر أخطاء أحد..اللي فيني مكفيني

صرت أتبع مبدأ يا أبيض يا أسود…الكلام معي صار صعب والنقاش صار شبه مستحيل

يعني يا ملاك يا شيطان..مافي وسط…وبطلت أتحمل نفاق ..وبطلت أعطي شهادة براءة لا لنفسي ولا لأحد

هذا تغير مش مفاجىء ولكن كان متوقع…لأن كثرة السكوت تولد الانفجار…

على العموم من المدونات القليلة اللي لفت نظري مدونة محمد عمر

رجل رائع, وانسان مثقف صاحب ضمير

وهذا شيء صار نادر هذي الأيام للأسف

http://www.mohomar.com/mohomar

أخذتني هذي اللأغنية لزمن ليس بالبعيد..زمن والدي وأعمامي…زمن كان النضال فيه كرامة وقضية وإيمان…كان لايزال الضمير له اعتبار..

ذكرتني بأيام المقاومة اليسارية…وأعمالها وشعارتها..وقصص قديمة وجديدة

عالعموم هذه الاغنية قديمة…لشهداء جبهة المقاومة الوطنية اللبنانية وخصيصا للشهيد سلام جابر
وعنوان الاغنية بكي دم ذلك ان الشظايا ادمت وجه الشهيد سلام وكانت الدماء على وجنتيه كالدموع فكانت هذه الاغنية. ومؤلف وملحن هذه الاغنية هو الموسيقي الفلسطيني ويليام نصار
وغناء ويليام نصار ودنيا كريم

I am impressed !

This Mosaic is abstracting the chaos inside me..I loved the result

to do it yourself, Click here.

Here’s my chaotic Mosaic..

Y: How are you ?

Abed: Fine..same shit different day.

Y: No it doesn’t go like this

Y: It’s “Same shit, different toilet”

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” - Popular Mechanics, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” - Thomas J. Watson (IBM), 1943.

sweating..

bloody headache…

and thinking of tomorrow’s task at work, something I never heard of before…huft!

but I stumbled upon 7ala’s blog and the song she posted completely changed my mood..

I love old Ragheb’s

Click here to view…

by the way, this song reminded me of a very old remembered family incident.

my favorite uncle went to Greece, some years ago, and he was newly married. Somehow he forgot to buy his wife something, or he didn’t get the chance to buy her anything..anyway, he got back and he told her be brought her something big..so she was waiting..

then he ended up singing that song, telling her he brought her his heart! His wife still mentions this story till today, never forgiving him lol

have a nice day people

يا خسارة…أبدعوى الجاهلية ونحن في القرن الواحد والعشرين ؟؟

قال لي أخي اليوم:

أنت لست أخي..فأنا بلدي مستقل..وأنت متشرد ليس لديك وطن

قلت له:

كل بلاد العرب أوطاني…كل بلاد الإسلام أوطاني

قال لي:

لا يوجد شيء إسمه عروبة ولا إسلام ولا وحدة…يكفيك أحلاما فارغة

أنا لست أخوك ولا أنتا أخي

قلت له:

موافق على قطع صلة الأخوة بيني وبنيك إذا كنت تصر..ولكن ذلك يحزنني أشد الحزن

قال لي:

لا أريد أن يكون لدي إخوة من بلدكم…فأنتم لم تجلبوا سوا المشاكل لنا

قلت له:

موافق أقطع الأخوة بيننا وبينك على شرط

قال لي:

مستعد لتنفيذ أي شرط لكي أتخلص من قذارتكم

قلت له:

شرطي سهل وبسيط..إذا لم تريد أن تكون أخي فهناك ممنوعات بسيطة:

ممنوع أن تتكلم لغتي..فلغتي العربية..لغة القرأن الكريم..مسموح أن تتكلم لغة من قتلوا أطفالنا واغتصبوا نسائنا

ممنوع أن تأكل من نفس الطعام الذي نأكل..مسموح لك فقط أكل البيتزا والبيرجر وأوساخ الغرب

ممنوع أن تدخل بلد عاش فيه أجدادي..فدخولك له اعتراف بالأخوة بيننا…فقد سكن بعض أجدادي على نفس الأرض التي سكن بها أجدادك

ممنوع أن تتزوج من بلادي…فالطيبون للطيبات والخبيثون للخبيثات

ممنوع أن تدخل المساجد ولا كنائس الشرق…فإخوتي هناك قد يعرفون أنك أخي

ممنوع أن تلبس من ملابسنا…فنحن أصحاب العمامات والعبائات وأصحاب الستر والعفاف….ولا نكشف عوراتنا مثل الحيوانات…التعري مسموح لك.

ممنوع أن يكون شكلك يشبهني…حاول بكل الطرق ان تغير لونك وشكلك..فأنت تشبهني شبه شديد..وأنت لا تريد أن يعرف أحد إنني أخوك

أمك وأبوك يشبهاني كثيرا…عليك أن تقول للناس أنك لقيط لكي لا يشكوا انك أخي من نفس أمي وأبي

قال لي:

…

النهاية مفتوحة…وحزينة

It’s the first time I write a “blog of the day” post, but seriously guys, for the first time I get surprised, delighted, and amused by a blog of a young girl. There are so many young girls bloggers out there, and they’re really good, but this blog took my attention today.

I know I am not a regular blogs reader anymore, but lately I’ve been reading left and right, randomly, whatever I stumble upon, specially if the post is short. I found some pattern in the blogs, a boring pattern to be honest. So I stopped. Then I went back to the blogs I used to read few years back, such as Qwaider, Ola, Rasha, Moey, Sou, and they are as exciting as they used to be. But Shaden’s blog (The Sugar Cubes) was the one that made my day.

Her writing style has matured big time. Not that it wasn’t good, it was very good, but now it’s becoming influential, brief, and profoundly powerful. Something I really missed.

Perhaps I am just sick of the hypocrisy in the middle east, and I can’t stand one more hypocrite post, kissing the ass of one government (for whatever reason), or cheerleading for one not-so-sexy blogger. Seriously guys, we’ve had it.

And I didn’t change my mind, for those who knew me long enough, they know that I firmly believe that the most depraved of all aren’t the simple ones who go with the flow, no I actually pitty those, and I can go as far as considering them my brothers. I can also skip the fact that they can be harmful, because they do it unintentionally. I’d like to quote Plato on this:

“As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers “

and dear Lord, how many empty vessels do we have!!

I can go on and make execuses for those, but at certain point we need to shut them up.

Now going back to the most depraved of all, in my very humble opinion, I think the most depraved of all are those who know they support the devil, and they do it intentionally. They know themselves, and they have their own agenda. We all know it. They know it.

Sometimes they belong to a certain family, and that family is known for its support to a certain party, and money talks here.

Others belong to a certain group, with certain beliefs. Be it religous, political, or whatever. Those will just do about anything to support their party. Even when they know they’re wrong, they will do it malicously, continuously, and they can write infleuntial articles. Those I have no mercy for.

I quit writing for a while now, for so many reasons. It’s not that I don’t have time (my regular lame execse). I have all the time in the world, actually I have time to read those thousands of pages books, and I finish them in 3 days sometimes. Along with that, I pass sophisticated exams, and work for 14 - 16 hours sometimes. So yes, I am the king of my own time, I always have time.

There are so many reasons why I don’t write any more, some of which are too personal to share, and some aren’t that important. All in all, I won’t share why I do not write. It’s not important at all. Whatever.

I know I post “things” sometimes, but this is not writing. This is not what I do. One song, picture, or one quote isn’t quite me.

My writing style is not organized anymore, this post was supposed to be about The Sugar Cubes, and I just made it about me.

The sugar cubes is a blog worth reading, an honest intellecual is the least to say.

Marcel Khalifa. Naseem Alreeh.

naseem-ree7

Learning patience…the hard way..

تعهد السيناتور الأمريكي باراك أوباما بضمان تفوق إسرائيل العسكري النوعي في الشرق الأوسط وقدرتها على الدفاع عن نفسها من أية هجمات قد تتعرض لها من غزة إلى طهران، في حال فوزه بالرئاسة الأمريكية في نوفمبر/ تشرين الثاني المقبل.

Read more…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/arabic/news/newsid_7436000/7436223.stm